AN: After being totally shocked at being asked to write for Smut University, I was prepared with a different topic when my amazing friend, Erin (les16), suggested this one. As soon as she said it, all I could think was “yes . . . yes! Why didn’t I think of that?” I did a quick Twitter poll and found that this is actually a topic that needs to be addressed. So, thanks to her for the idea. Thanks also to HeatherDawn for this awesome graphic, to Caren for being a famazing gif-tracker, and to MrsAC for looking over this for me–possibly repeatedly.

Homework:

Get it out of your system. Write a lemon using as many of the words and phrases on this list as you can. Anytime you feel tempted to call his dick a “quivering member coated in the creme of her arousal,” you can come back to your homework, realize it’s ridiculous, and stay strong in your writing.

Read the Submissions

Article: So many of us are guilty in using less-than steamy words and phrases at some point or another when writing smut. You know the readers have read a thousand lemons and in an effort to make yours “unique”, you start . . . describing things. Sometimes, I honestly wonder where the hell some of these words even come from. I mean, really–why in the name of rob would you want to describe Edward’s cock as “dripping”?

Smut University students, after having been under the excellent tutelage of some of the hottest writers/professors, I feel that you have honed your skills and will make excellent use of the tips and tricks you’ve learned. So, let’s close out your Smut U semester with the Top 10 Words and Phrases that you shouldn’tuse in order to keep your lemons libidinous.

10. Core

This isn’t a real trigger for most people, but it does conjure up some quite unpleasant associations, including images of half-eaten apples (ew) or an Earth science lesson.

Mac said it best:

Quote:

 

It sounds like an apple core…or the core of a battery. Ramming a love rod into a dripping core (and they always seem to be dripping — don’t these women frequent the gynecologist for good vaginal health?) is not sexy in the slightest. Rather, it sounds like a hostile invasion involving…well, fruit. Who wants that?

Who indeed?

9. Creamy/Cream (or Creme) of Arousal

“The cream/creme of her arousal coated his hard shaft.”

Um. No. Please no.

Unless you’re using “cream” in this case (or for dessert), it’s best to avoid it:

Follow ltlerthqak’s advice:

Quote:

 

This seems to be a big one in Harry Potter fics. I mean really–if you’re COATING someone with something creamy, you should really go see a doctor like STAT If you’re mature enough to have the sex, you’re mature enough to take proper care of the equipment.Gah, now I need to go take a shower or something. Yuck.

8. Hole (includes puckered hole, gaping hole ::gag::)

Do I really need to explain this?

7. Penis, Vagina, Labia

Sure, it’s the technical terms. But technical terms aren’t sexy. Unless your character would think about things in such absolute scientific terms or unless you’re portraying naughty Dr. C, it’s best to avoid them.

6. Tongues battling for dominance

Tongues do not battle for dominance. Do they?!? Hopefully, they do this:

5. Shaft (including Member, Rod, and Length)

Awhile back, Katinki posted an article with things to consider when writing a male-POV in which she requested: “PLEASE do not have your male call his cock something stupid.” Guys don’t think like that, and really, neither do girls.

Unless you’re talking about this stone-cold mofo, find a different word. To quote the fabulous Jenny,

Quote:

 

Just call it what it is! Penis, dick, cock, whatever. Erection always makes think of a building. Also, member annoys me too. Member of what? A club, parliament? Erect member - ewww

4. Dripping (Exploding, Gushing, Weeping) Cores/Vaginas/Entrances/Pussies 

Oh, rob. Don’t even get me started on this. Whether it’s a leaky faucet, a geyser, or a zit (omg ew), the thought of this does not get me hot. At all. If something’s that wet, you should swim in it. Or get it checked out by a doctor. Immediately.

3. Juices

You might know that I am slightly obsessed with an Edward that drinks Orange Juice. If it’s not that kind of juice, I don’t want to read about it. I’m pretty sure no one else does, either.

2. Cunt (same goes for Twat)

Unless you’re referring to someone, like Skanktoria, being a “flaming cunt,” don’t use this word.

1. Moist

Overwhelmingly the number one word on my twitter poll, “moist” seems to squick everyone out. Everyone hates it:

Just take that out of your vocabulary. Moistness in fic has ruined cake for all of us.

Bonus of Ick.

Though these words didn’t make the top ten, they should be avoided if possible:

• Bundle of Nerves
• Nub
• Cum instead of Come
• Milking
• Slit
• anything that’s “Misted with Honey”

I tried to come up with something clever to say to end your semester with a “bang”, but I think the uber-talented solareclipses summed it up perfectly in herlesson:

Quote:

 

A good rule of thumb beyond knowing your characters and story really well? Go light on the adjectives and be aware of the nouns you’re using to describe those girl and boy bits.

There may be instances in which it is acceptable and necessary to use some of these terms (but never “moist” lol). Just know your characters and their bodies–don’t try to add a bunch of superfluous text to take the place of what’s going on. I have faith in you and know you’ll do us proud!

Vive le smut!

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]]> http://projectteambeta.com/2012/01/02/2077/feed/ 0 administrator5 http://projectteambeta.com/2012/01/01/2001/ http://projectteambeta.com/2012/01/01/2001/#comments Sun, 01 Jan 2012 19:30:34 +0000 administrator5 http://projectteambeta.com/?p=2001 ]]> Realistic Sex vs. Fictional Sex by Phoenix Rising

Homework:

Write a drabble/short scene in a realistic style, and then the same scene using things that would probably be considered fictional sex characteristics. Have fun with it!

Read the Submissions

Thank you to Dr_Twilight_PharmD for the amazing banner!

Ah, fictional sex. It has about as much in common with how sex often happens in real life as the fast food you buy does with how it looks in commercials. Sure, just like sometimes you end up with a Big Mac that looks like it belongs on a rotating platform, working it for the camera, there’s that rare occasion where everything goes perfectly.

You’re horny—and so is your partner—and you have lots of privacy. The stars have aligned, and you’re both brought to incredible heights of pleasure…

Sorry, I got a little carried away there.

It’s kind of a sad joke among the romance-writing (and by extension, erotica) industry, whether you write New York Times best sellers or fan fiction, that women only read that stuff for the sex scenes. The stereotype also goes further, saying that’s because they’re lonely moms, bored housewives, crazy cat owners, sad single ladies (cue Beyonce!), or that they’re not satisfied by what they’re getting, so they have to read it.

While the stereotype can be accurate in some cases, I believe that, by far, most of us read romance and erotica for one reason.

It’s fucking hot. Or hot fucking. Both, really, so I guess that’s two reasons.

Let’s face it… If we wanted to have a dose of how sex actually is, we’d go grab our Mr. or Ms. Rights—or find a Mr. or Ms. Right-Now—and get down to it in all its messy, unpredictable glory. And that’s fine, healthy, and as it should be. It’s not perfect, and we shouldn’t expect it to be.

However, sometimes you need that little detour from real life. At the risk of sounding like a movie trailer, you want to escape to a world where there are no boundaries, to a world where you may be shoved out of your comfort zone, and where there is a guaranteed, uh, happy ending.

In both senses.

That’s where fictional sex scenes come in. Now, I completely realize that not all fictional sex scenes involve perfect, pleasurable unions; there are many that are more realistic or deliberately disappointing, mostly to scoot the plot along: e.g. when the heroine has horrible ex-sex and runs off somewhere, where she meets the hero for the first time. I’ll be ignoring these scenes for the purposes of this article and concentrating on lovin’ between the protagonist and their beloved, mostly so you don’t have to read something that’s ridiculously long.

I’ll start with the differences. Real life sex, as I said above, is unpredictable. There’s jiggling, weird noises, odd facial expressions, accidents of all kinds, bodily fluids, timing issues, and frankly, it’s not necessarily pretty. That’s because we’re human. Think about it. Even in porn, you don’t see the “oops” scenes, where someone farts or they forgot to give the girl an enema before an anal scene. Yeah. It’s real, but edited to be perfect.
Like these two, for instance. There’s something super-fake about this picture…Take your pick on what it is, though. My bet is that they’re not natural blondes…

Your characters, however, are not human. They’re something else entirely, even though they certainly can seem alive at times, and exist in this world where you can mould them however they’ll let you, providing you stay within the traits you’ve given them. Therefore, we can make fictional sexy-times as idealistic as we want. Well, mostly. I’ll get to that part in a minute. You want your hero to push the heroine up against a wall, pick her up so her legs are around his waist, and make sweet, sweet love to her like that? Hell, yeah! Want your heroine to deep throat and swallow? Bring it on! One (or both) of the pair is a blushing virgin? That’s okay. Nothing will hurt, and everyone will last long enough for simultaneous and/or multiple orgasms. Height differences? Not a problem. Your hero has the upper body strength of the Hulk, and your heroine enjoys wearing sky-high stilettos.

You get the idea.

Fictional sex is about an experience for your reader, just like the rest of your story should be. It’s about immersion…sometimes it’s whether the reader can picture themselves in the scene, or if they can visualize your characters instead. Both are fine. Fictional sex can also broaden your audience’s horizons. A reader might not be into S&M, but after reading your hot and appealingly written scene with blindfolds and handcuffs, they might give it some thought.

Despite the fact that you can take a lot of liberties with fictional sex, there are some things to keep in mind while you’re writing. It’s a good idea to keep your scene grounded enough in reality so that the reader doesn’t lose that experience. If the reader can’t identify, at least partly, with your characters, it won’t work. If you have your hero hefting your heroine up into his arms for standing sex and they do it like that for the whole scene, readers are going to roll their eyes. Your hero may be awesome, but no one is that strong; a normal guy could probably do that for a few thrusts, but then have to put her down, lean her against something like a wall, or have a seat himself, before he throws his back out or drops her.

There are a few other things that might make your readers go, “Huh?”

Both the language you use or don’t use can also lend credibility to an amorous scene. Don’t give your characters long, gushy monologues. In reality, your lover would probably roll their eyes and try to find a better use for your mouth. Write the amount of dialogue you’d be comfortable using in a real-life sex scene. That’s a good guideline. Obviously, if your scene would be mostly grunts and moans, try to find a good way to convey that without it sounding like the Geico cavemen are having an orgy.

The same goes for flowery language. Would you want your hooha referred to as a “weeping furnace” by your partner in real life? I didn’t think so. Please don’t use that in your fictional writings, either. However, the scene may have a need for more dialogue than people would use during real sex, and that’s okay. Since we can’t physically see the characters and are reading about their experiences, the reader will need slightly more dialogue than would be used in reality to stay with the scene.

Swallowing. Yep, I’m going there. There can be a big difference between fictional sex, where nearly every virgin is a sex kitten waiting to suck her hero’s cock so she can unleash her amazing lack-of-gag-reflex skills on him, and realism here. While it’s okay to not make things taste like a dessert in a five star restaurant, you don’t have to (necessarily) make the heroine’s experience a negative one. Just keep this in mind when cultivating your oral scenes. Plus, there are other places for the man to come than in the heroine’s mouth. Just sayin’. Get creative!
Lube. Another thing to remember. In realistic sex, sometimes things aren’t as slick, slippery, wet, soaked, gushing (*note* I am NOT using the word moist) as we’d like them to be.

So, a little lubricant can make things go much easier. Even with real sex, you’ll likely need it with condoms, and definitely when involved in any water action. Check out the water sex article for more in that department. And no matter whether you’re doing an anal scene straight from real life or writing a fictional scene, lube, lube, and more lube. Nothing takes a reader out of a scene with buttseks where no lube is used. Just…no.

Birth control and protection. In real life, this is obviously a necessity. You and your partner need to have the “Can I get you pregnant/do you have herpegonosyphilaids?” conversation if you’re responsible adults, and, hey, you’re mature enough to be having sex, so you should be able to talk about this stuff, right? This issue is a little bit tricky in ficland, though. If you’re writing something the length of a short story, which is roughly anything under 20,000 words (just an estimate…word count is flexible), then it’s kind of up to you. When I’ve written anything of that length, it’s usually a complete story. No need to worry about pregnancy or weird itchy bumps; the story ends with a happily ever after, and that’s all she wrote.

With longer works, however, the responsible thing to do is to follow your real life example. Have a brief birth control talk, or even just have your hero reach into his bedside table and put a condom on, no chatting required. Quite frankly, the safe sex talk is not sexy. But being safe when it comes to sex is. Because then you can have more of it.

Climaxes. Orgasms. Stamina. Our fictional heroes (and heroines, too) seem to be made from the same stuff the Energizer Bunny is. They can screw all night, barely get any sleep, and then do it all again immediately/the next night/all day without any recovery period, soreness, or chafing. As most people know, this is pretty much impossible. That’s not to say that there aren’t folks out there who can manage this, but for the general population, it’s not realistic. But this is one of those things that I’m going to advocate that you don’t touch for the sake of making fictional sex more realistic. Leave this one alone. It’s hot.

Things to take away:

• Feel free to take liberties with your fictional sex scenes.
• Ground your scenes at least partly in reality. People like a little plausibility along with their fantasy, so they can identify with the characters.
• Keep dialogue realistic, but don’t be afraid to expand a bit on what your characters are saying. Just make sure it’s no more or less than is necessary for the scene, so it doesn’t distract the reader.
• When writing an oral scene, have fun with it, but keep it rooted in reality.
• Lube and birth control/protection: Don’t be shy about writing them in! They can be done in a sexy way, so use them. Again, this makes your fictional sex scene more real for the readers.
• Stamina and climaxing. Leave this be. It’s one of the reasons you and your readers read smexy books and stories…hot people who can go allll niiiight loooong!
• Above all, have fun writing them! They can bend the rules a bit…it’s what makes fictional sex so appealing to read.

My boyfriend’s cousin–a man of few words, almost none of them “appropriate”–once said (in his own endearingly succinct way):

It’s not making love, if there are slapping sounds.

I couldn’t have said it better myself. I know what you’re all thinking . . .

So, let me explain . . .

Nothing is worse than being caught up in a story, the two main characters are finally about to consummate their relationship, they whisper words of love as they join together . . . and then one of the characters says, “Yeah, you like that, you little slut?”

What the fuck? Seriously?

It’s like a wrong note in the middle of a beautiful sonata, Odette breakdancing in the middle of Swan Lake, a wolf amongst the sheep . . . you get the picture. It’s out of place, and doesn’t work. The discordance takes the reader out of the story and, sometimes, you never get them back.

Unlike in a movie or real life, where dozens of elements combine to set the scene and mood (music, lighting, camera angles, what is visible, etc.), a writer must convey all of that while relying solely on the written word. It’s a fragile web to weave, and one wrong word can destroy it.

The Devil’s in the Details

I wish I could give you step-by-step instructions on how to make your sex scene flow, but there is no such thing Smut-By-Numbers. If there were . . . well, I wouldn’t be writing this. (Note to self: patent idea for Smut-By-Numbers writing kit.) Now, I’m not an expert by any means–I’m sure I strike out just as often I hit them out of the park–but I’m here to offer what help I can based on my own experiences.

My first bit of advice is to just write. Don’t limit yourself by demanding perfection right out of the gate. A wise person once told me that me that you have to first get shit get shit on paper, before you can go about making it pretty. Don’t edit/censor yourself or pull any punches! Just go with it. It doesn’t even have to make sense yet, the important thing is to get something on paper.

Exercise #1:

Take ten minutes or so to write a lemon for something you are either already working on or have previously written. Don’t just jump into the humping. You need to set the scene by writing a lead in.

For those who need a writing prompt, feel free to use one or more of the randomly chosen prompts below.

Writing Prompts:

Seeking Solace
Innocence
Drive
Breathe
Again
Memory
Insanity
Smile
Silence
Questioning
Blood
Fortitude
Vacation
Trouble
Tears
Happiness
Expectations
Hold My Hand
Precious Treasure
Abandoned
Dreams
Breaking the Rules
Teamwork

Why aren’t you writing?

Get back to work.

Don’t even think about reading ahead.

Okay I’m bored. Are you finished yet?

Hustle and Flow

Assuming you actually did the exercise, we’re now ready for the next step: making your words match the tone of the scene you’ve set or, to phrase it another way, making it flow.

Trying to outline the various steps that I go through when I edit my writing, specifically the smutty bits, to insure that it flows, has proven to be more challenging than I anticipated. There are two reasons for this. One is because, it’s something I do inherently both while writing and editing, and the other is because they are all so intrinsically linked to the others that separating them is almost like trying to sort out the family trees in Deliverance. Not the easiest task, that.

So . . . after toiling over this for weeks upon weeks (most of it spent stymied and/or procrastinating), I have come up with the following (rough) guide, in no particular order, for improving the flow of your lemons. Please forgive me if I seem to repeat something or leave anything out. I’m sure I could have broken this down even more, but that would bore both you and me. Besides, as I’ve said before, it’s subjective; the minutiae of my methods might not work for you. Everyone has to figure out what works for them, but, hopefully, this will help get you started.

PG-13 or NC-17, That is the Real Question

Is your lemon too graphic? Well, what’s “graphic”? For our purposes here, “graphic” is going to encompass both the definitive–vivid and explicit detail–as well as coarseness of language. The reason for this is because it is entirely possible to write a very physically descriptive lemon without it feeling “graphic” if the language used isn’t coarse and expletive filled. Bear in mind, innuendo, depending on the crassness of it–and no matter how witty–counts as coarse.

Every transition you write should be smooth, but when transitioning into a lemon, you can really fuck it up if it doesn’t flow. Launching into a raunchy lemon after a sweet moment, does anything but. So, how do you decide if your lemon is too graphic for what preceded it?

My rule of thumb (to which there are always exceptions) is that the deeper the emotional connection of the scene leading up to it, the sweeter and the less graphic the lemon. If it’s lusty and carnal, or angry, etcetera, it can be more graphic. Remember though, as implied above, less graphic doesn’t necessarily mean gloss over it–although in some cases, that may be right. Inversely, it also doesn’t mean that it should be so sterilized that it becomes clinical. It’s all about balance.

One of the ways in which you can still be descriptive without being too graphic, is by focusing on the emotional aspects of the physical action. In other words, write about how it feels rather than what is being done.

I Know What I Am, So Just Let Me Be

Characters behaving in an out of character way whilst copulating? Has your shy, virginal Bella unexpectedly developed a fetish for pegging her man? Is your kind-hearted, nurturing Carlisle suddenly a sick, sadomasochist fuck? Then you need . . . to try again. Don’t turn your characters into something that they aren’t simply because they’re getting it on; your characters lose creditability and it’s a minor breach of trust.

I’m not saying that the shy, wallflower can’t turn into a tiger/ess in the sack, or that the cocksure, captain of industry can’t enjoy being dominated–by all means, do it. Just make it believable. No one likes taking an unexpected left turn . . . unless there is a damn good reason.

I Can Feel It Coming in the Air

So far, our focus has primarily been on the characters. Right now, we are going to shift our focus just a little over to plot . . . because you can’t have one without the other. Remember when I told you that all of these considerations were incestuous? Here’s where I prove it as we’ve already touched on an aspect of it in relation to your characters.

This isn’t really one specific thing. It’s more of a group of items that are so closely related, that it’s best to put them all under the same umbrella . . . ella . . . ella . . . so bear with me. I will likely leave something out, but these are, in my humble opinion, the biggies.

The part of your story that has the most noticeable affect on your lemon is what takes place immediately prior between the characters involved, and the reasons are fairly obvious. Not only does it effect their emotions, it is the driving factor behind their coupling . . . or grouping, as the case may be. Were they fighting, breaking up, reconnecting, resolving sexual tension, etcetera? Are they having sex in reaction to each other or in reaction to something that occurred? That’s where the next consideration comes into play.

Although more subtle, what is going on in the story as a whole–i.e. their lives, both as individuals and together (in whatever capacity that is, i.e. friends, lovers, etc.)–shouldn’t be overlooked. It is a source of external stressors which affect their overall frame of mind, which, in turn, affects how they relate to each other and interact with one another.

Ignoring these factors in your lemon is a little bit like, “What the fuck . . . did that just happen?” You can’t expect anyone to trust you when you effectively negate or nullify what they’ve already read.

It’s not as cut and dry as what events took place, though. Conditions and location are both factors, not to mention an easy and frequent source of problems. The solution is simple – make sure that it’s even possible to perform/partake in the sex you wrote in the location you choose, and that the conditions (i.e. the weather, privacy or lack of, state of dress, physical condition of participants, etcetera) are conducive.

Finally, your lemon needs to reflect the relationship of the participating characters, the depth of their emotional connection, and their chemistry. You could almost think of it as the love versus lust factor. Sex between two strangers having a one night stand may not be the same as the sex between best friends, acquaintances, etcetera, and no one wants to read the words, “Pound my pussy with your hard cock, baby!” when reading about a character losing their virginity to his/her first love. Actually, I don’t know that I ever want to read those exact words under any condition, but you get my point.

These seemingly inconsequential things, actually have a profound impact on the quality and success of your lemons.

Labels

The very last thing I want to discuss is the story’s genre. Is it romance, comedy, drama? In my opinion, this is one of the least important factors. However, that doesn’t mean you can overlook it entirely. No one wants to read about rape in a comedy. Just saying.

Exercise #2:

Keeping what you’ve just read in mind, copy and paste the lemon you wrote for exercise #1 into a new document. Now, read it over and edit it. When you’ve finished, compare your unedited version from exercise one with your edited version from exercise two. If you’re feeling brave, post the two versions on the forum. I’d love to see the results.

Final Thoughts

I wish I could say for certain that what I’ve just shared with you will be helpful, but I can’t because, it’s all subjective. Despite all of the pieces of advice I’ve given you, it ultimately comes down to a feeling and you have to find your own way. Just go with your gut, and when it’s right, you’ll know it. Have fun with it, and don’t pull any punches out of fear of judgment because it’s the worst thing you can do. It’s like an actor not giving everything to his performance. The resulting performance is a watered down mockery of what should have been.

With practice and a little confidence, you’ll develop your own gauge for whether something works or not. The best lemons I’ve ever written have been the ones that left me blushing, slightly nervous about it’s reception, and–possibly–a little hot under the collar. t left me blushing, slightly nervous about it’s reception, and–possibly–a little hot under the collar.

Homework:

Take one of the following passages from these dreadful, published books and re-write it. You can change the characters’ names and add to or subtract from the scene as needed. You must maintain the overall idea, though, which is that some form of sexy times is had.

From ‘Maps for Lost Lovers’ by Nadeem Aslam

 

At the tip of his penis, the dot of starlit ache – which had to be kept in place and referred to periodically to maintain the erection, but was never to be dwelt on because then it would spread and lead to climax – was growing larger.His mouth looked for the oiled berry. Her taste came and went tidally salt and sour in his mouth, as eloquent as weather.

When he fell through the sensation and opened his eyes he was surprised to find her there.

And he could not hold her close enough.

The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders – a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird’s forehead.

They detonated the remains of each other’s orgasms with fingers and tongues, areas of their bodies sticking together with sweat that was like the weak glue that holds segments of an orange together.

From ‘Knight Moves’ by Jamaica Layne

 

“Everything you see and feel is real, milady,” my knight says, caressing my bare back with his hands. “That, I promise you. If you desire proof, you only need consider the three very real climaxes you just had in your lady-softness.”

My eyes fly wide. “How did you know I came three times?”

He grins wider. “Your lady-softness told me herself when she was wrapped round my codpiece.”

From ‘The Gingerbread Tryst’ by Nichelle Gregory

 

Marisa considered masturbation an art form. She could spend hours playing with her pussy until she achieved the perfect climax . . . or two. She loved creating the mood for her me-fuck-me sessions and always took special care to set up before pussy play.

From ‘Knight of My Dreams’ by Delilah Devlin

 

Quentin wished like hell he and his cock shared the same heart. The same mind. He hated how his body betrayed him, again, in her presence. Just a whiff of her unique scent wafting in the air was enough to tug his arousal into full bloom. Like Pavlov’s stupid dog, his cock filled, poking at the sheet.

[Apparently later in the same book...]

“Good.” He rooted with his cock, still pressing down his chest to keep hers deflated, and then curled his belly to stroke inside her.

…her womb clenched, cramping hard, almost painfully, and she couldn’t do anything, just lie like a suffocating fish on the banks for a roaring river while he continued to plow her depths.

…His cock spent, but still turgid, returned to a meaty human size, filling, but not too many calories.

From ‘One + One = Three’ by Sasha James

 

“Take … all … of. . . this . . . dick,” he said, in between thrusts.

“Give it to me,” she moaned back.

They each gave as good as they got, bucking back and forth like two prized steers.

“Oh yes, yes, yes, YES!” Munro screamed on the verge of cumming.

“That’s it, Baby. Let’s cum together!” After a few more heated moves, they exploded simultaneously.

When submitting your homework, please
mention which shitastic excerpt you worked from!

Read the Submissions

• INTRODUCTION: You don’t have to stick the penis in.
• DON’T…
  • Think all lemons are tasty in every pie.
  • Finger yourself while writing, Mary Sue.
  • Misplace hymens.
  • Overdo it.
  • Forget average is relatable.
  • Try to ram it in.
  • Think “unique” automatically means “good.”
• DO…
  • Consider your audience.
  • Watch for potentially alienating words and phrases.
  • …your homework!

INTRODUCTION: You don’t have to stick the penis in.

Repeat after me: “Plot before porn.”

Yes, yes, you’re here to learn how to write smut, but the best smut is the smut that deserves a place in your story, even in those stories that frequently feature sex. Whenever you get ready to write a sex scene, you should ask yourself some simple but important questions:

• Does this move my plot forward?
• Does this make sense for my characters at this point in the plot?
• Would not including this sex scene be a problem?

Contrary to popular fandom belief, your story doesn’t have to contain graphic sex scenes–or any sex at all. (Gasp, I know.)

In particular, when thinking about the last question, your readers’ perverse wishes shouldn’t sway your logic for the overall story that they don’t know. Taking requests or giving in to reviewers’ pleas for sex is the makings of a 500,000-word monstrosity with a rambling plot. Can we all agree that there are enough of those in the fandom already? Good. Let’s move on.

A common problem I see is readers don’t remember details about stories, or they get stories confused or completely forget them. There’s a reason for that.

The stories aren’t memorable.
Why aren’t they?

I think a lot of it comes down to the usually overabundant smut scenes, of which I’ve seen several readers recently mention they only skim now. After a while, all the your-pussy-is-so-tight-and-grips-like-a-rubber-band and your-cock-is-so-big-however-will-it-fit-into-my-dainty-love-pocket starts to blend in together, especially when you’re pulling the same characters out of the proverbial hat time and again. To make a story memorable, your plot and characterization mustcome first, as that’s where your creativity will shine if you do things right. The smut gets sloppy seconds.

You can write a story where sex is at the hot core of the plot, as in it is essential to thrusting your story forward and helping your characters grow (hard); however, few do this well, and the reviews received for shameless smut aren’t always indicative of quality or memorability.

So, when a lemon is right for your story, what should and shouldn’t you do?

DON’T think all lemons are tasty in every pie.
There are sweet lemons. There are tart lemons. There are lemons that have fallen on the ground and gotten so dirty-filthy-nasty that you’d never show them to your mother for fear of being disowned.

Not all flavors of lemon are right for all characters or stories. Pick your lemons wisely, then squeeze the juice out. But don’t call it juice. That’s probably a bad idea. Usually only Led Zeppelin can talk pull that off.

The point here is that unless your oh-so-conservative female lead has a secret (that your readers are in on) or goes through a personal transformation, she’s probably not going to be donning her black leather dominatrix get-up on the third date. She probably doesn’t own one.

Your lemons should make sense for your characters’ personalities and the circumstances your plot has placed them in. Anything else comes off as being insincere, if not desperate.

DON’T finger yourself while writing, Mary Sue.

Don’t insert yourself (snicker, I know) into a character’s place when writing sex. Yes, the male lead’s hunka-hunka-burnin’-love hot, but if you’ve written him well, he should want your female (or male!) lead, not you. Your. Story. Is. Not. About. You. It’s just not that into you. Writing yourself into your fiction is inevitable, especially in first person narrative, but overdoing it is a form of Mary Sue writing, and it’s often obvious to discerning readers. What’s sexy to you shouldn’t necessarily always be sexy to your characters.

Writing yourself into a character’s place has the added downside of being potentially painful or embarrassing on a personal level. No matter how wonderfully flawless your writing may be, someone out there will hate it, with or without a valid reason; sometimes it’s only a matter of personal taste. You likely will receive a disgruntled review, perhaps even a trolling flame.

It’s one thing to receive comments like those about the characters you’ve worked on; it’s another to receive comments on what is a barely-masked version of your own, personal sexual experience. Unless you have a really thick skin–in my two years in this fandom, I’ve seen few who do–you probably won’t be able to calmly deal with that kind of hurt or anger.

DON’T misplace hymens.
A.k.a., “Biology: learn that shit.” Clearly we’ve a ways to go with sex education, because far too often Edward’s encountered Bella’s hymen hiding deep in her tightly-clenching, soaking tunnel of love, seemingly clinging to her cervix for dear life. For the love of all that’s unholy, that is not how it works, ladies. I’m sad that I have to be the one to explain this to some of you.

The hymen is a thin layer of tissue that partly covers the external vaginal opening. It is so thin, in fact, that it is a horrible way to determine a woman’s virginity, as it can easily be stretched or torn by an active lifestyle (e.g., bicycling), tampons, medical examinations or–most likely, let’s face it–fiddling with yourself while you’re reading erotica. Hormone levels also determine the thickness/”strength” of the membrane, which may or may not contribute to pain during sex for the first time. (As a side note: Not all virgins bleed like stuck pigs, though plenty do.)

Bella’s hymen is not buried in the cavern; it’s right at the entrance, like an unfortunate toll booth. It’s a good thing, too, because if Edward ever suffered frommicropenis, she’d never be deflowered. On the upside, she’d have a permanent, natural barrier to pregnancy. Not.

DON’T overdo it.
Bella’s twat should not be a subterranean wonderland that inspires spelunking adventures, so no dripping cores or leaking penises. Leaky characters are bad characters. Can you write about Bella’s perfectly normal super-lubrication? I guess, but let’s have a show of hands of how many want to read it. Do you see any hands up? No.[/b]

Less is often more, even when it comes to delving into some of those sexy details. The reason this is true is because sex is different for all of us. The more details you give, the greater your chance of having multiple readers stop and go, “What the fuck? That doesn’t happen to me!” This then launches into debates about what is/isn’t natural and takes readers out of the scene that you want to keep them interested in.

Compare the following versions of the same passage:

• Edward explored her body with his hands, and Bella smiled up at him. They were ready for each other. 
• Bella parted her thighs in expectation, and Edward’s hand traveled downward. She was ready for him. 
• Bella parted her thighs in expectation, and Edward’s hand traveled downward. He slid his fingers through her wetness. 
• Bella moaned and parted her thighs in expectation, and Edward’s hand traveled downward. He slid his fingers through her warm wetness. “Ohhh, fuck,” he murmured. She was slick all over; the scent of her arousal lay heavy in the room. Easily sliding his fingers inside her, he began pumping and stroking her to climax.
  

All say the same thing. One is actually concise and avoids all possible “trigger” words/phrases (to be discussed later) and may eliminate the need for a lemon all together. If that’s not right for your story and its characters, the second level of detail should suffice; the third version is only a little more detail, but begins to use words that some readers may find off-putting. The fourth version may be overdoing it. It uses lots of “trigger” words/phrases and will take the most people out of your story, even if it may very well garner the largest review count.

DON’T forget that “average” is relatable.
Can your characters have sex upside down in the water while dolphins swim around them, shooting rainbows out of their blowholes? Sure. It’s fiction. Doesn’t mean you should write it.

The simple fact is this: The more awkward the position or situation, the more awkward the writing usually is. To combat this, you should probably stick to sexy, but relatable (and highly writable) scenes. There’s nothing wrong with putting your take on something tried and true. If your characters and plot are solid, the sex will be just right.

When you do want to write something you’re unfamiliar with, research, as Gingerwombatkat has gone over, is paramount. With sex, you almost certainly need to go a step further, too, and not merely depend on clinical, encyclopedic descriptions. Forums and documentaries will give you a good, personal view on whatever sexual kink or dysfunction you’re thinking about exploring. When writing about the “unfamiliar,” you will encounter lots of skepticism and questions; be prepared to answer them if you need to.

DON’T try to ram it in.
TKegl did a great job looking at the ass end of smut writing, but it I feel it bears repeating: Anal sex without lube: DEAR. GOD. NO.

DO consider your audience.
All right. I’ve been a Debbie Downer for long enough. Let’s talk about some things you should do.

As much as you shouldn’t bend to readers’ wishes, you should be aware of the kind of reader you want to communicate with. This knowledge is empowering when it comes to writing your entire story, but with sex scenes in particular, it will help you know whether it’s right for you to fade to black or dress Edward in a black thong and get him dancing at the local gay bar. Consider the message you want your story to send and the types of readers you want to read and review your work. This will sometimes help you choose what scenes to write, as well as how to write them.

DO watch for potentially alienating words and phrases.
The following list–compiled partially in thanks to the ladies over on A Different Forest–is of words that may or may not remove some or many readers from your story. Some are a matter of taste; others are really, objectively bad, I think, and should be rarely if ever used, unless your characterization especially calls for it. (Seriously, though, don’t write a character who calls for “weeping cocks,” okay?)

• “aching” genitalia
• ass
• center
• clit/clitoris
• cock
• “Come for me. Now.”
• core
• “cum,” versus “come”
• cunt
• dick
• “dripping” genitalia
• “exploding” genitalia
• folds
• “gushing” genitalia
• jism/jizz
• juice
• labia (due to how clinical it sounds)
• laving
• length
• “lower lips”
• member
• milked cocks
• moist
• nub
• penis (due to how clinical it sounds)
• puckered hole
• pussy
• “scent of her arousal”
• seed
• soaked panties
• stiffness
• tiny hands around giant horse dongs (a rather general issue in this fandom…)
• throbbing
• twat
• vagina (due to how clinical it sounds)
• “weeping” genitalia

Feel free to mention others. I could list more, but we’d be here forever.

You may look at this list and think, “What the hell is left for me to write?” The answer is, “Plenty.” You can, of course, choose to use some of these terms–I recommend you do!–if you’re consciously aware of and okay with the fact that they may alienate certain readers. And, again, much of it comes down to your characters and what they would do. Asshole Edward probably doesn’t use the word “center,” for instance. In my own writing, I only have certain characters use certain words in certain circumstances.

To be certain.

This is really about making conscious decisions; many don’t when it comes to smut writing, as being “technical” about it is often seen as a negative thing, even though it’s not.

Good rule of thumb beyond knowing your characters and story really well? Go light on the adjectives and be aware of the nouns you’re using to describe those girl and boy bits.

A/N: Thanks to tiffanyanne3 for pulling beta duty on this bad boy . . . and to starrycreations, every9seconds, and slashydrunkard for lending their buttsecks expertise as prereaders.

Homework:

Ass-ignment (hee hee): Take a shot at writing a scene involving some anal action. Now, it doesn’t have to be full-blown penetration . . . just something involving a little anal play. Get creative and have fun!

Read the Submissions

It’s forbidden . . . taboo . . . yet somehow that’s what also makes it rather alluring. Maybe you love to read (or write) about it . . . or maybe you read it, but only in a very dark closet, supplied well with chocolate and red wine.

No. I’m not speaking from personal experience. At all.

When it comes to writing about a little racy rear-entry, there can be a fine line between Oh-So-Hot and Oh-My-God-NO! Now, it’s important to point out that this article is not a how-to for how to have anal sex. It’s about how to write anal sex. There’s a big difference. Because let’s face it, when it comes to anal, there’s some shit (heh!) we just don’t want to read about.

Case in point, a story a Twitter friend once told me about a friend who wanted to do a little exploration of the back door variety. Before things got started, her boyfriend ran to the bathroom to get a roll of toilet paper, saying he didn’t want to have to change the sheets afterwards.

Yeah. Not sexy.

She did a lot of research on her own before she approached the topic again – with a different boyfriend, I might add.

So, keep in mind that complete realism isn’t necessarily the goal . . . eroticism is.

And with that, let’s take a look at the Five Steps to Red Hot Buttsecks.

1. BUILD UP TO A CLIMAX

It seems like a no-brainer – you want to start off slow. But I’m not just talking about kissing first, then touching, then Edward slips his hand around to Bella’s ass. Yes, you want a scene to build, but when you’re talking about introducing anal into your story, you want the idea to build through your narrative as well. If your character has never done it before, you’ll need to start slowly. Maybe in chapter five, Edward just touches her briefly there, sparking a little curiosity . . .

Quote:

 

I’d never been interested in anal sex, and God knows, Edward and I had never talked about going there before, but I had to admit, that little touch made me wonder if there might be more to it than I thought.Late at night, I found myself thinking about what it would be like for Edward to do . . . more . . . there.

And maybe in chapter seven, Bella decides do to a little more herself.

As I stroked myself, my hips surging up to greet my working fingers, my mind flashed to that forbidden zone I’d still yet to revisit with Edward. Unable to control myself, my other hand slipped from my breast, easing down my stomach and stalling for a moment next to my other one.

Could I really do it?

Unable to resist, my fingers continued their journey south, gathering my wetness along the way. Then, with one tentative finger, I prodded my entrance, holding my breath, then exhaling heavily. With my eyes clenched shut, I circled my tender flesh, pressing gently as I continued to manipulate my clit with my other hand. Biting my lip, I rolled my clit between my thumb and forefinger, jerking slightly at the shock that shot through my body . . . and took the plunge, slipping the tip of one finger in . . . just barely.

It was enough . . .

So now, Bella’s curious, and maybe ready to explore a little more. No’s the time to bring up the conversation with Edward. Maybe they both do some research online (or at the library? Good opportunity for some between the stacks sexin’ when they get all worked up) . . . maybe they do a little shopping for supplies (another fun scene opportunity at a sex shop, or visiting various Web sites) . . . there are a lot of chances to build up the sexual tension here – and it will only make the final act that much hotter.

Even if you’re writing a one-shot, you can use the “build up” step – it just happens more in the back story.

Quote:

 

“I want to take you here,” Edward said, pressing a finger between my cheeks.I gasped. We’d talked about it before . . . I’d even explored a little on my own . . . but the thought of doing it here and now was a little frightening.

And a whole lot hot.

I arched back against his finger, only able to say one word.

“Yes.”

The point is that anal takes some preparation ahead of time. It’s not like vanilla sex where your characters can just duck into a closet and do the deed. The key is to make that build up just as sexy as the actual act.

2. FACTS vs. FANTASY

When it comes to anal sex, it can be a delicate balance between making a scene believable and keeping it erotic. It’s important to acknowledge that going in the back entrance can be painful without the right preparation and patience. At the same time, you don’t want to get so bogged down by the technical side that you lose the romance.

Case in point: Poo. It’s there. It goes with the territory. But nobody wants to read about it. It’s kind of like farts – everybody does it, but why would anyone ever write about it?

The same thing goes for pain. The reality is that for many people, anal sex hurts – and they don’t like it at all. It takes patience and a lot of lube to really make it enjoyable for some people . . . and some try it once and say they’ll never go there again.

But if you’re writing a scene, you want it to be hot, right? That means minimizing the ick factor, even if that makes your story not quite factual. So you might need to gloss over some of the more unattractive parts of doing the deed.

But hey, if you’re committed to being 100% accurate and want to tackle anal douches and enemas and pain and farts – more power to you!

*shudders*

If not, you might try something like this:

Quote:

 

The burning ache took my breath away, and for a moment, I considered telling him to stop . . . to pull out . . . that I’d changed my mind and I didn’t want to do it anymore.He stilled and reassured me with sweet words and loving touches . . . massaging my back . . . kissing my neck . . . stroking my tender flesh until I shuddered in response.

And when he pulled out slowly before sliding just as slowly back in, I realized the pain was manageable . . . almost unnoticeable.

And when he did it again, a shivering tingle raced through me, and I recognized it as pleasure.

One other note: Anal is different for men and women. Remember, men have a prostate, which can be stimulated by anal penetration. This is very pleasurable. (At least I’m told this by those who have one. I don’t, so I have to take their word for it!) Women lack this, but still have a lot of sensitive nerve endings in the area, so anal play can be pleasurable for them as well – it’s just not quite the same.

3. LOVE THE LUBE

This is a biggie: Never forget the lube.

No, spit isn’t enough . . . neither is vaginal lubricant if you’re talking about putting in anything bigger than a finger. It’s hard to get caught up reading a scene when you’re wondering if Jasper is getting rubbed raw. (Poor guy!) The butthole does not produce its own lubricant, so it’s important to help the process along with a little slippery goodness.

That said, preparation is also important. Unless your couple does the back-door deed a lot, there’s some stretching that’ll need to be done before a peen can be introduced – but hey, that can be sexy too. Consider this example from Just Like Chocolate by FarDareisMai2 (it’s slash, but the concept works for any pairing.)

Quote:

 

He climbed down off the table and walked away for a moment. When he returned, I saw the foil packet in his hand and watched as he tore it open and rolled the condom on. He reached down to the shelf below the table and grabbed a bottle of vegetable oil. He raised an eyebrow at me, daring me to say something, but what did I care what he used? I just wanted him inside me. He poured some on his fingers and coated himself with it, before climbing back on the table. He leaned forward and kissed me again, and I felt his hand slide down between my legs, his well oiled fingers caressing my perineum, before he slid one into me and began to fuck me gently with it. After a minute, he added another, making sure I was well lubricated and stretching me, all the while kissing me and whispering, “I can’t wait until I’m inside you, gorgeous.”He sat back between my legs and lifted me by the hips. I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him towards me. He guided himself to my entrance, and looking at me once more to make sure I was okay, he slowly pushed in until just the tip slipped into me.

“Is this okay?” he asked, and I could hear the strain in his voice as he fought his desire to drive into me.

“Oh fuck yes,” I growled, and used my heels to pull him closer, push him further into me. He grabbed my hips, stilling my movements, forcing us to go slow and driving me completely insane with want and need. In and out, slowly, slowly, each time pushing a little further until finally, he was sheathed all the way inside of me. I’d never felt more complete.

Now, when I asked FarDareisMai2 to use this passage, she told me that she’s since learned that it’s not advisable to use vegetable oil with latex. But the point stands – it’s still hot!

4. NO DOUBLE DIPPING

Well, this should go without saying, but sometimes when you’re caught up in the moment and the words are flowing freely, you might not notice that Edward has gone from dipping his wick in the Great Behind . . . to dipping it somewhere else . . .

Like Bella’s hoo-hah . . .

Or Jasper’s mouth . . .

Yeah. Uck . . . probably the grossest thing ever, and completely ruins the mood. Even I, who am not a habitual flouncer, have left stories for this very reason.

It’s just gross.

So what do you do when you’re deep into a hot and heavy, multiple-position sex fest and it’s time to switch things up?

You have to do some cleanup first. The peen must be pristine before going near any other orifice. But don’t worry – there are ways to do this that won’t ruin the mood. Basically, you have two options: quick and dirty (or, errr . . . clean, I guess) . . . or slow and sexy.

• Option 1: Edward pulled out abruptly, making me gasp at the sensation. I glanced over my shoulder at him in dazed lust . . . mixed with aggravation.”Why did you stop?” I asked.

  He reached for the damp towel we kept near the bed, stroking himself clean as his eyes burned into me. Tossing aside the towel, he flipped me onto my back.

  “It was too much . . . too fast,” he grunted, plunging into my pussy in one harsh thrust. “I need this to last.”

• Option 2: Edward pulled out abruptly, making me gasp at the sensation. I glanced over my shoulder at him in dazed lust . . . mixed with aggravation.”Why did you stop?” I asked.

  He grinned, sweeping me up into a hot, dizzying kiss.

  “It was too much . . . too fast,” he murmured against my lips. “I want this to last.” He took my hand to pull me to my feet, backing toward the bathroom. “How about a shower?” he asked, a wicked smile heating my blood yet again.

. . . and this opens a world of possibilities for washing each other . . . some hot shower or bathtub sex . . . maybe falling out onto the bathroom floor or climbing onto the counter and taking things a little bit dirtier. Cleaning up becomes part of the fun!

Note: This also applies to condoms. Remember: After butt love, change the glove. ☺

5. WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE

No, I’m not talking about cursing. That’s up to you. But you probably want to watch out for some words that will take the sexy right out of your sex scene. Namely, clinical terms like “anus” and “rectum.”

I mean, come on. Rectum is just not hot. This calls for some creativity because, let’s face it, there aren’t a lot of ways to describe the brown hole that will get you all hot and bothered. There’s “puckered hole” and “rosebud” and “forbidden entrance,” but I think the best option is often to leave things a little vague . . .

Quote:

 

I clutched the sheets as I bent over the bed, Edward gripping my hips firmly as his lubed cock slid against my ass. He thrusted slowly, back and forth, over and over . . . his hands moving to stroke and squeeze my round flesh, massaging it . . . parting it slightly so he could slide between my cheeks.”God, that feels so good,” he murmured.

The heat built, curling into a twist of want centered deep within me. The time he’d spent preparing me had me aching and wanting . . . needing more . . . needing him to finally fill me.

“Edward . . . now . . . please . . .” I begged, my voice barely audible over the thickness in my throat.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes . . . please. I want you . . . now.”

And with a slight shift he entered me in one slow, delicious thrust. The burn forced a gasp from my lips and Edward froze.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes . . .” I shifted slightly, willing myself to relax and accept him. After a few deep breaths, I felt my muscles stretch to accommodate Edward’s thickness, and when I moved again, the gasp was one of pleasure.

See? No squicky words to interrupt the hotness!

SO, TO RECAP . . .

1. Take it Slow
2. Minimize the Icky Stuff
3. Lube, Lube, Lube
4. Prepare Before Penetration
5. No Double Dipping
6. Anus+Rectum=Not Sexy

Remember, turnabout is fair play. It can be fun for the “giver” to become the “taker” when driving the Hershey Highway. Maybe Bella gets a little feisty and convinces Edward to try a little toy action. Or Jasper decides to give topping a try and show Carlisle what all the fuss is about. These tips can work with slash or het – and even femmeslash – just get a little creative and mix things up.

One more disclaimer – all of this is just my opinion. It’s what I find hot when reading and writing about doing the deed back-door style. Maybe something else works for you, and if so – have at it! One of my prereaders (not saying who) says that some people find double-dipping hot and kinky . . . so if that’s your thing, go for it!

Like most rules, there are a million exceptions. Humor is a big one that always breaks the rules. I recently read a hilarious fic called Parental Discretion is Advised, where Edward accidentally entered the wrong hole . . . lube-free! (Ouch! But funny!) And if your characters go down this road all the time, they probably don’t need to spend as much time on preparation. I also didn’t address rimming, which is a whole other topic (and should only happen after a shower, in my humble opinion)!

Just keep in mind that writing anal sex is a lot like writing any other kind of sex – to keep it hot, focus on the feelings more than the physical descriptions.

Oh, and did I mention, don’t forget the lube?

Homework:

For your homework, take the first example from above, and write it into a realistic water sex scene.

Read the Submissions

Quote:

 

Bella settled with a sigh in the warm, deep water of Edward’s bathtub, and wriggled in between his long legs. He swept her hair off her shoulders, wrapping it around his fist, and kissed the side of her neck.”You still taste like chocolate,” he murmured against her skin.A giggle interrupted Bella’s soft moan. “Hmm, I wonder why,” she said. “Maybe because you practically painted me with it. Like what happens to that woman in ‘Goldfinger.’”"I did,” he agreed. “Which did you like better: the chocolate or the strawberries?”Oh, I can have some fun with this, she thought. “The honey,” she purred.

The reaction against her back was immediate and satisfying. Bella had done some painting of her own, on some select inches of Edward’s anatomy, and those inches obviously remembered it fondly.

Bella twisted and turned so that Edward had to release her hair, letting it float behind her.

“Again?” she asked, with a knowing smile. He nodded happily.

“Again would suit me just fine,” he said, and she sat up and straddled his hips, the movement making the water slop over the side of the tub. She lowered herself down on him, and all she could think was–

Ouch.

Or rather, that’s all I can think while reading this–even ignoring the death of foreplay, there are at least three things that bother me in this little scenario, which I’ll run down in a moment. Don’t get me wrong: getting all wet and bothered in a private place that isn’t a bedroom has a lot of appeal, and it can give writers a break from thinking about how to remove their characters’ clothes. But when it comes to writing smut set in bathtubs, hot tubs, showers, swimming pools and various bodies of water, there’s an ocean of issues to consider.

Here, I would argue, is a more realistic version of sex in the water (even if it involves a cold-ass vampire):

Quote:

 

I immediately glided over to him, the water in the hot tub making my movements much more graceful than on land. His chest was warm, so were his arms, so were his hands.”This is perfect, too,” I said, and Edward pulled me to him so I could wrap my legs around his hips, my bottom grazing his thighs, and–ah, his hard length pressed directly and deliciously on my clit. We both moaned at the contact, and his arms encircled my back so the currents couldn’t float me away. His own lack of buoyancy made him an immovable stone.We kissed and touched and enjoyed the warmth eddying around us. This position allowed me to drag my nipples against his, and he tipped his head back so I could nibble on the side of his neck as best I could. Our lovemaking this morning had been confirmation that even if I couldn’t get purchase on his skin, even if my teeth were ineffectual against him and my hands weak, he obtained intense enjoyment from my touch, even more than I did from his. I ran my fingers as lightly as I could down his back and over my interlocked ankles. Down as far as I could go, and he shuddered and mumbled quietly. I had explored his body so much over the last month, but most of it was still terra incognita, and would remain so until my senses sharpened. I had so much to look forward to . . .But for now my, body had more immediate needs. I lifted myself slowly, thrillingly, against his length till I was at the tip, and then pushed down against him–and stopped in shock at the unfamiliar sensation. Edward’s eyes snapped open, and I raised myself up again and down to find the same sensation and stopped once more. I looked at him in puzzlement and said something that I’d never had to say before to him.”It’s . . . uncomfortable,” I confessed, confused. “I don’t know why.”

He didn’t seem surprised, though. “I wondered if this would happen–the water washes the lubrication away,” he said softly, and I felt a pang of disappointment that my fantasies of making love in a hot tub wouldn’t come true.

When I posted that scene in Getting Warmer, I got thanks from readers who said that it accorded more with their experience with sex in the water than was generally depicted. As Renee tells Bella in Sare Liz’s story The Day the Earth Stood Still:

“Water: good for foreplay, bad for sex.” (Because Edward is a bright boy, though, he figures out a way to deal with the lubrication issue.)

In my “research wink  wink” (to borrow GingerWombatkat’s formulation from the first lesson in this session), I’ve found that there are many pleasant things to do in tubs, but, to my disappointment, intercourse isn’t one of them. (I should note here that I’m not any kind of expert on matters sexual; I’ve just been married for a while to a man who really likes jacuzzis. I should also say that I’ll happily accept that some of you out there may have wonderful sex immersed in the water. In which case, I a) envy you greatly and b) haven’t met you.)

For the rest of us, there are problems, some of which I set up in the introductory passage. First problem, as you can guess, is lubrication. The heroine might be aroused beyond words, but if the water washes the slickness away, it doesn’t do her much good.

And while in a rare double standard favorable to women, hand jobs in the water can work for us (yay, clitorises!), they aren’t as pleasurable for men–the water makes for unpleasant friction. An illustration of that occurs in in.a.blue.bathrobe’s terrific Tropic of Virgo: she makes it a sign of how desperate Bella has made Edward that he gets himself off in the shower despite the discomfort of the water under his hand.

One solution to all this is lube, though not the water-based kind usually available at the drugstore, since they wash away too. I’ve never used the silicone-based lubes recommended for this situation, so I can’t say how well they work. In any case, the hurdle for writers aiming for realism is not only having lube handy, but having it be the right kind–and in all my reading of fics, I’ve never seen a water scene with lube (if you have, let me know in the comments; I’d be interested to see how it was done).

Another solution is getting the necessary body parts out of the water. Mr. Price reminds me of an enjoyable evening that involved getting worked up in a hot tub, and then standing and holding onto the rim . . . well, you get the idea. Anyway, no lube needed, and we weren’t distracted by the possibility of heat stroke in the heat of the moment.

Second problem: Where are Bella’s knees? If she and Edward are in one of the crappy molded plastic bathtubs pervasive in modern American houses, they’re digging uncomfortably into his thighs. (Even in my substantial and exceptionally deep prewar porcelain tub, there’s not enough room for a pair of knees to bracket a pair of hips.)

Billionaire Edward (or Billionaire Bella–I wish she were more common) may well have a conveniently wide bathtub, but it would bear describing. There are, of course, other places with the right type of tub: Mr. Price and I were recently in a hotel with a very comfortable square tub that accommodated our knees quite nicely–sadly, the right kind of lube was not lined up with the little complimentary bottles of shampoo and shower gel, so we had to change venues. But your ordinary bathtub just isn’t going to work.

Third Problem: Any moment now, the shrink from downstairs is going to come pounding on the door to complain about the leak in her ceiling from all the water spilling from the tub. Again, Billionaire Edward’s got an infinity tub with drains all around it; the rest of us have unhappy neighbors and a bill from the plasterer.

So what is our couple to do? Unfortunately, oral sex poses a special problem: vampires don’t have to breathe, but we mere humans do. There is a wonderfully erotic, very popular AH, I’ve just read in which Bella gives Edward a blow job in a bathtub, and for the life of me, I don’t see how she can do it without a snorkel (which would definitely hinder her performance) unless Edward is freakishly endowed, or the water level is a lot lower than anyone would want to sit in. It’s a minor glitch in a great story, but it is momentarily distracting.

As for cunnilingus, the logistics give the phrase “muff diving” a whole new meaning. And as for anal sex in the water, without lube–let’s just draw the curtain and turn away with a shudder, shall we?

Which leaves us with foreplay (which I hope is what is going on in that waterfall shot in the Breaking Dawn trailer. Please?). Anyway, foreplay in all its many varieties gives us a lot to give our characters to do in wet situations, and that’s what the Bella and Edward in the introduction should try instead.

So what about showers? you ask. It’s a good question, since shower encounters seem to be the most common water-related ones in fics. The great thing about showers is, of course, that you can get away from the water and let natural lubrication do its work. But it’s not all smooth sailing.

Once more, the ordinary American bathtub poses logistic problems. With its sloped sides and slippery curved bottom, it is not conducive to the most common shower positions I’ve seen in fics–against the wall and standing doggy. What’s better are shower stalls, with their flat floors, and lack of ledges. And what’s even better than that are shower rooms, which have more space to maneuver.

But I have to confess right here that I’ve never had up against the wall in the shower be a success: too slippery, too uncomfortable, too tiring. I’m clueless on how to make it work other than to have a vampire be one of the partners.

Sorry. Your advice is welcome.

Standing doggy, on the other hand–yeah, that can work, at least for a while. It’s best when one partner can hold on to something securely bolted into the wall and push back. It’s a mood-killer when your hands slip and you whack your head against the wall.

Meanwhile, oral sex, while doable in showers, especially ones with something to hold on to, introduces some characterization problems, I think. Is your hero the kind of man who would be comfortable seeing his lover on her knees on a hard, rough floor? And is it erotic to have a heroine who stays in possession of her senses enough to remain vertical? (Here’s another instance when a vampire partner would be useful.)

A final shower note: hot water runs out. The stories I’ve read have been pretty realistic about this. I suspect because it’s happened to all of us at some point, the shock of cold water gushing down on us before we finished rinsing out the conditioner. Some AUs, like The List by Laura A. Cullen, cleverly have Bella get turned on by cold water because of its similarity to a certain vampire’s temperature.

(For me, there’s an irony in this commendable nod to reality: while I live in an apartment that is too small, doesn’t have enough closets and is so hot that sweat is trickling down my back as I write this, Mr. Price and I could soap each other up in the shower all night long and never run out of warm water. It’s one of the best things about living in New York City. Or as my future father-in-law more colorfully put it when I marveled that three people could have separate, simultaneous scalding showers in his apartment: “I’m paying for a Manhattan co-op. I better get as much hot water as I fucking want.”)

There are other dangers lurking in the water that are less important for fic writers than in real life, but they’re worth mentioning.

Disease and irritation: Sex in the water means water ending up in places it shouldn’t be, and sometimes that water has chemicals or bacteria. I remember one fic (my apologies for not recalling the title) in which Edward objects to Bella’s suggestion of a romp in the ocean because it’s “U.T.I . sex.” Smart guy.

Pregnancy: Condoms and water don’t mix. With lubrication washed away, they’re more likely to tear (from the extra friction), and if water gets inside they can slide off.

Other nasty chemicals: Many sex toys described as water-safe are treated with BPA and phthalates, chemicals that do useful things to plastics but also, studies are finding, mess up hormones. You don’t want them rubbing up against your (or your characters’) delicate tissues.

Overcooking: In that great classic of volcanology, “Dante’s Peak,” an attractive young couple are frolicking in a hot spring in the Cascades when the water becomes a geyser, a sign of impeding eruption. It would be a sad fate for Edward and Bella to discover a heretofore unknown volcano in the Olympic National Forest in such a way. 

Having just spent 2,000 words pouring cold water (sorry) on the idea of hot tub/ swimming pool/ pond sex, I feel obliged to say that hey, it’s your own story, and you can write whatever you want. That’s the beauty of fanfic. But I would also argue that there’s already such a big element of fantasy in our stories–a hero who is heart-stoppingly beautiful, fabulously rich, brilliant, talented, and, above all, eternally besotted with the heroine–that a dose of realism in the smut is a necessary counterbalance. It’s good for our stories, and good for our readers who are inspired by them.

Homework

EBS suggests two writing exercises based on the above. Choose just one to do and submit.

1. Think of a sex word that squicks you, and a write an erotic drabble using it in a way that works.

2. Think of something you’ve never experienced. Research it, then write a drabble.

Read the Homework Submissions

Ask a dozen women how an orgasm feels, you’re likely to get a dozen different answers. The same can be said of just about anything involving sex. We may have the same parts, but we’re all wired differently. To illustrate this, we at Emergency Beta Service asked our Twitter followers to talk to us about sex, welcoming them to submit any questions they’d like to us to address. Over the course of the month, we received the following questions which we presented to our betas to answer.

“How on earth do you describe female..uh..parts without being disgusting? Cock and dick are perfectly acceptable words, but the female equivalents are just vile. Pussy? Cunt? Fanny? Folds? Mound? Her sex? ugh *shudders* they are all just horrid. If I read one more fic that refers to ‘her dripping folds’ I will SCREAM! Oh, yeah…and I am fed up of fic that describe sperm as tasting like honey! Who have these authors been blowing, Winnie the Pooh? Ooops, more of a rant than a question, but you get my point. Let’s get some class in our smut!”

Another writer had a similar question:

Is there a reason some people use “cock” and “pussy” and some people write euphemisms like “hardness” and “moist folds”? Using the C & P words seems easier, but feels cheaper, too. What do you guys think? What would you prefer to read?

Rags: I love this question! I have found that describing both male and female parts becomes tedious because no matter which word you choose, you’re using something with a certain connotation to it. “Cock” and “dick” both have this confident air about them (because men who are cocky or dicks tend to be confident and full of themselves). “Penis” sounds so formal and doctoral and will instantly detach your readers from the steamy romp scene you’re trying to write.

LJ Summers: This is tricky, and the best advice I can give is to use a word that reflects your character. So, if your character is confident and maybe a little crude they might use the word ‘pussy’ or ‘cunt’, or if they are shy they might prefer the word ‘entrance’. It’s sometimes hard to step away from clichés without making it funny, and I think it’s really up to your word preference. I’m not a fan of reading euphemisms, too! I find it can break the mood, and I also wonder who thinks like that during sex?

Marly: ’Slick folds’, ‘his/her sex’, ‘pussy’, ‘cock’…. they all give me the icks. ‘Dick’ isn’t so bad, but I think ‘his hardness’ or ‘length’ covers men sufficiently. For a woman, I think ‘center’ or ‘entrance’ works okay.

Rags: I think it is all because of personal preferences. Some people don’t like to write using explicit language like “fuck,” “dick” and “pussy.” Hell, I had a pretty hard time posting my first lemon, and if I remember correctly, I talked about his penis, cock, dick, and what have you, but I tried to shy away from naming her parts. Another reason might be because certain words fit the occasion better. If it’s a scene where a couple is making love on the rug in front of the fireplace, the author might choose to be more gentle in his/her words (and therefore use “hardness” and “moist folds”), but if s/he is writing a steamy sex scene where lust is the dominant emotion, s/he might choose to use more crude words. After all, words are just another tool we use to create the scene, and sometimes it matters if we use the word “boy,” “guy,” “dude,” or “man.” The same goes for the words for the genitals.

Sleepyvalentina: The word genitals makes me giggle almost universally.

LJ Summers: I personally prefer “cock” to “dick.” The latter just…sounds like a mean name? A man once told me that “pussy” was his preference because it sounded “cuddly.” Yeah. I prefer almost anything except “moist folds.” Sounds like towelettes. This is tricky, and the best advice I can give is to use a word that reflects your character. So, if your character is confident and maybe a little crude they might use the word ‘pussy’ or ‘cunt’, or if they are shy they might prefer the word ‘entrance’. It’s sometimes hard to step away from clichés without making it funny, and I think it’s really up to your word preference. I’m not a fan of reading euphemisms, too! I find it can break the mood, and I also wonder who thinks like that during sex?

Sleepyvalentina: I think any word can work if it’s believable that the character in question would use it. Folds, core, center—these are all over Victorian erotica, and in that kind of setting, they work. I’d argue they’d also work if the character speaking had a pre-established love for Victorian literature, provided it’s a female. Men don’t use words like that—pretty much ever. This isn’t to say all men are of the cock, pussy, cunt variety. Even Henry Miller has written sex scenes in which there’s no mention of genitalia. The one exception is buttocks. I challenge anyone who has seen Forest Gump to be able to read the word buttocks and not hear Tom Hanks in her head, “I was shot in the buttocks.”

Ms. Kitty: Personally, I try and only use these words when absolutely necessary, and resort to simply writing the pronouns like ‘me’ or ‘her’. For example, ‘pushed into me.’ Hey, it’s not highly creative, but it takes the stress away from thinking of suitable words, and I like to think it does the trick! Now everything I say sounds like a euphemism.

Well, I’m writing–or attempting to write–an M/M/M threesome, and I’m just at a crossroads at the moment regarding, er, sexual positions to put it bluntly. First off, I’m a woman. Second off, I’ve never been in a threesome, all-male or otherwise. So I’m definitely lacking in hands-on experience. That, and, because I’m spectacularly bizarre like this, not only is this my first time writing a threesome, it’s also the first time writing a lemon, period. When it’s just two people, even two guys, it’s pretty simple anatomy. One’s caboose goes in the other’s love tunnel, and that’s that. But I don’t really know all the possible sex positions three men could be in together, so I’d really appreciate some pointers.

Rags: I think now is the time to turn to the porn sites  I would imagine that three guys could lie in a triangle, all sucking each other off. Another way could be one’s “caboose” into the second one’s mouth and the third’s “caboose” (love that word) into the second one’s “love tunnel.” Really, the best advice I can give you is do research. Check on pornotube.com or similar places and look for gay videos.

LJ Summers: Heh. She said “pointers.” They do kinda “point,” don’t they? Consider orifices with a threesome. One man has two orifices for pleasure (give and take) of this nature. So positions for simultaneous stimulation would involve oral for one. I am not sure how to arrange a triad so that all three “get blown” at the same time, but for two, simultaneous orgasm would be possible.

Marly: I have no idea if the mechanics would work in practice, but I guess in theory, they could form a chain of sorts? Guy 1 penetrates guy 2 anally, while guy 2 penetrates guy 3 anally, for simultaneous stimulation/orgasm.

Sleepyvalentina: Yeah. See, this isn’t kind of conjunction we’re used to helping with here at Emergency Beta Service, but that’s okay. We’ve all written things we haven’t experienced in real life; an all-male threesome is no different—you can pull it off with research. Now you have a reason to go watch gay porn—that’s kind of win.

Feeling as if it’s all too contradictory? Don’t vaginally secrete sweat it. What one reader considers a mood-killer will make other readers happy in their panties, so write what you like. As long as you stay true to your vision, your most important reader will be feel fulfilled. After all, how many times do we hear we should write for ourselves? 

Homework

You’re all writers, right? Now it’s your turn. Take a smut scene that you’ve written in the past and turn it funny. Add a gasp and a rasp and a rogue finger, and make it a little more real.

Please submit the old & the new, funnier smut scene.

Read the homework submissions

We could write a snazzy introduction, but after some careful consideration, I think picking this up in the middle of our conversation is a bit more . . . genuine, maybe? Anyway, hope you enjoy this banter between a couple of nutters that like laughing and like lemons, oh, and like Twific too . . .

 FF95: Sex with corpses?

 BDC: That one’s easy . . . not funny.

 FF95: LOL

 BDC: Next! Hate-driven flirting. FUNNY.

 FF95: I’m tryin’.

 BDC: So, we’ve covered necrophilia and flirting with the enemy.

 FF95: I think we should start it out with something like we’re in the middle of a funny lemon.

“Bella?”

“Yes, Edward?” I breathed.

“I think your –”

“What, Edward?” I panted. He wasn’t even inside and I was so damn close.

“Bella?” he asked again, more desperate this time. I knew how he felt. I was so desperate, so needy. Just hearing him say my name like that . . .

“Bella, I think, I–I think–”

“Oh yes, Edward,” I gasped, moving against him.

“Oh Jesus!” he screamed.

“YES!” I shouted.

 BDC: Excuse me while I put on my glasses and heels and find that pointer.

 FF95: (Jo twists her nipples a little) I think more Bellas should twist their nipples randomly.

 BDC: I think more Edwards should . . . no, Edwards always have everything covered. Maybe Edwards should start forgetting things.

 FF95: Maybe we can talk about how to come up with a funny situation . . . like maybe there’s an awkward Edward who isn’t getting Bella off the way she likes it.

 BDC: It’s endearing and human and funny.

 FF95: The things I find funniest about sex are the thoughts running through Edward’s head when he’s supposed to be cool, calm and collected, but maybe in his head, Bella is making him fall apart at the seams.

 BDC: You do an amazing job of that . . . that’s one of the reasons why people love the Dick, I think.

 FF95: It’s funny that people like it. It always feels like . . . I dunno, like I’m so “green” compared to other authors.

 BDC: You, my dear, are the opposite of green. Red? (Looks for a color wheel)

 FF95: “Seasoned” ironically is the word. It has nothing to do with color, which I will never understand.

“Edward, wait, wait,” she says, pushing his hands away from her tits.

“Are those . . . tissues in your bra?” Edward asks with a chuckle.

“Uh, they’re called cutlets,” Bella admits, holding her hands over her breasts protectively.

“You mean like . . . chicken?” Edward asks. “Cause . . . ew,” he thinks to himself.

“No! Just, uh, so I could, like, fit into this dress.” Bella rights her dress over her cutlet-enhanced cleavage.

“I thought the whole point of this night was to get you OUT of that dress, Bella . . . I’m confused.”

“You’re over-thinking things, Edward. Forget the cutlets. Forget the chicken. All that’s important is that I’m here with you.” Bella slips her hand up Edward’s inner thigh and gasps when she feels a little more than she bargained for when she gets to his crotch.

“Edward?” she asks.

“Oh, Bella,” he gasps, pulling her in for a kiss and going for her boobs again, despite his new cutlet knowledge.

Bella tries to figure out what’s going on in Edward’s pants, but it’s not making any sense. Unless . . .

“Edward, are those socks?” she asks with a squeeze.

Edward places his hand over hers. “Um. . . no . . . not exactly.”

“Not exactly? What’s that supposed to mean? Let me see!” She paws at his crotch, and Edward bats her hand away.

“Bella, really . . . stop it.”

“I showed you my cutlets. Show me yours,” Bella giggles, not opposed to a little wrestling as foreplay. Edward finally pins her hands to her side.

“I was just . . . I have this web show, see,” he begins to explain.

“A web show?” she asks, laughing.

“Um . . .” Edward lets go of her hands and looks away nervously.

“Like . . . porn?” she gasps. “Oh my god, you’re in porn!”

“Not exactly?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks, bringing her hands to her hips. There are some lines she won’t cross, and Internet porn stars are on the list.

“It’s more like . . . a show about . . . a super cock,” Edward mumbles.

“What?”

“The Adventures of Super Cock, to be exact. It gets, like, a thousand hits a day on Youtube . . .” Edward smiles hopefully, and readjusts his . . . super cock.

“What? An on-line show thingy . . . about your penis? Your super penis?” Bella asks.

“It kinda started out as this joke, but . . . I mean, people like him. He’s practically famous.”

“He?” Bella asks, nodding to Edward’s pants.

“He talks and everything. See, I do this Claymation type thing with the camera . . .”

“Okay, stop right there,” Bella interrupts. “Penises do not talk, Edward.”

“Oh Bella, but he does.”

“This is crazy. I had no idea what I was getting into bed with. Crazy fucking super cock,” she mumbles as she searches for her purse.

“You wanna see?” he asks, grabbing her wrist.

Bella narrows her eyes. You can tell she’s conflicted. Edward moves his hips a little. He waggles his eyebrows, unzips his jeans a little, so Bella can only see the tip of the red cape peeking out, tempting her with a chance to see a real life genital superhero.

With one glance at the red cape, Bella’s like a bull: she can’t look away. Her eyelids flutter.

“Okay,” she breathes.

 FF95: I cannot stop laughing right now.

 BDC: While this has super-potential, perhaps we should stop now. Maybe this is a teachable moment?

 FF95: Don’t let the fact that you’re writing a lemon stop you from fantasizing about the real life disasters that could happen during those lemons.

 BDC: Exactly, not all sex is perfect. It’s easier to write lemons when it doesn’t have to be perfect, and when it’s not perfect, it’s funny.

I don’t know if I’ve ever set out to write a funny lemon. When I start writing, if I’m thinking, “This has to be funny,” well, it just doesn’t work. For me, a lot of times, it’s when I write about the stuff that actually happens when two people are trying to act so suave, that’s when it becomes funny.

I have to find the nerve to let the characters be imperfect when they’re getting it on. Then I loosen up, because the pressure’s gone. Edward doesn’t have to make Bella cum five times. He doesn’t have to find her G-spot with one hand tied behind his back. Jasper doesn’t have to intuitively know everything Alice feels as she’s reaching climax . . . Who am I kidding? I don’t write about Alice and Jasper . . .

Let’s face it, sex and the games people play can be ridiculous.

 FF95: I forget the very first time I attempted to write some funny into a sex scene. I don’t even know if I did it on purpose I just remember being inside the characters head and thinking . . . okay, this guy is not Rico Suave . . . what would happen here . . .? It seems to take a lot of pressure off of getting it “just right” though . . . thus, ironically making it . . . perfect. Because in real life, who’s actually getting their clit slapped and going, “Man, that felt . . . GREAT!”

Right?

Anyway, the entire scene doesn’t even have to be hilarious; it’s just a matter of taking something that could be disastrous . . . and making it work for you.

 BDC: Exactly. When I wrote about Adorable in Rubbish, once they finally got it on and had sex all night, all of my readers (and Adorable) were pretty sure he’d been just fabulous in bed. Turns out he couldn’t make her cum at all. So he did what anyone would probably do: he Googled how to make a girl cum . . . and for the rest of the story he got all of his sex advice from an Internet search engine.

Maybe that was funnier in context.

Anyway . . . I didn’t set out to make a running Google joke, but it just happened.

One of my favorite funny scenes that you wrote was in Dick for Hire. I’m pretty sure it was the first time The Swan and The Dick had sex. They’re getting it on, on the kitchen table, and it’s all uncomfortable, and then Edward kind of staggers into the living room with her still, ahem, attached. I was dying, because really, I’ve read about so many Edwards picking Bella up, impaling her on his enormous cock, and just going at it standing up like he’s part weight lifter, part acrobat. It was awesome to finally read how awkward that position can be.

Maybe it’s just me.

Moving on . . .

 FF95: ADORABLE!

He killed me with his mad Googling skills to get sex advice! I thought that was one of the best ways to portray a real guy who’s just been told he didn’t make his girl cum.

Seriously. Who wouldn’t do that?

The Dick is nothing if not blunt. He feels no need to try and cover up his dick pain in order to suffer for looking “cool” . . . LOL! Poor Eddy Jr.

What can we learn from these instances you ask? I firmly believe, if more people learned to laugh during sex, there would be a lot more people having sex. When you take it too seriously, just like everything else . . . it gets a little too hard to live up to anyone’s expectations . . . especially your own.

Was that too real?

 BDC: Too real? I don’t know. Just solid, sound advice. You’re very wise, Jo.

The more we talk, the more I think that writing about sex and having sex are kind of similar. When people take sex too seriously, it’s so hard to live up to expectations, and maybe (in your analysis) less people have sex.

I think that the same goes for writing about lemons. Writers take those sex scenes so seriously, and they worry about living up to their readers’ expectations, so maybe (in my analysis) fewer writers take the plunge and write those scenes. Or, at least, they agonize over them.

Laughter + Lemons = More lemons for everyone?

Maybe.